In case you didn't plan for 2009

Well, the world didn't explode on New Year's Eve so you're stuck living another year. What now?
First things first; you have to decide whether you want to world to explode or if you are willing to compromise, perhaps enter couples counseling with the planet. Not a cheap option but solutions to massive problems often come at equally enormous costs and or consequences. The rest is easy.
So if you really want the world to go boom you ought to look deep inside yourself to discern the root of this potential terrorist temper tantrum.
- Does your job have you howling at the moon? Try a career change. Look for something to fit your strengths. If you have a nice butt you should investigate a career as a professional athlete on account of all the tush touching those folks accomplish. If you enjoy sitting around without the verbs associated with doing so called stuff you might be suited for a journey into the far reaches of space as an astronaut or a life of politics. Both jobs require you to take up space and deal with thinking inside a vacuum. However, under no circumstances should you look to a life of crime to solve your issues. If you want the world to explode you obviously have difficulties with authority. Crime typically puts you in the cross hairs of many folks wielding that same authority that you probably loathe day in and day out. Sure that bank heist will get your picture on TV and chicks dig ski masks when you say please but if you meet a nice girl you aren't going to be able to go out to eat and then she will get bored and you'll want to break up with her or cut one of her arms off and practice her nagging technique while starring into the mirror and listening to some swanky Shakira remix boldly shouting in Spanish about the empowerment of the ovaries or something. Don't be that guy. That's just weird.
Speaking of relationships, perhaps it is your lack of love life getting your buns more burnt than burning with passion. I suggest you try cross dressing. Don't think of it as odd or even as a fetish. instead look at it as an opportunity to be the hero cop on the undercover assignment of a lifetime. You will get to enter the lion's den and escape unscathed all for the price of a little black dress and a pair of pumps from an Amazon woman's shoe store. think of the secrets you could uncover. The friendships. The hours spent understanding the jokes on Lifetime. True if your buddies catch you suicide will probably be your first thought but that's no good either. Instead, turn the tables, use your acquired cross dressing skills to hit on and embarrass your inconsiderate and unruly friends. On the other hand you may find cross dressing to be an enjoyable activity. One that will become a hobby. If you want to world to explode you need a hobby.
Perhaps you're too fat. You want the world to collapse, not from the gravity of your weight but because of the weight on your chest, the emotions you keep inside due to the unending stares you receive at the eyes of judgemental twigs and teenagers acting tough for girls they will only ruin for nicer guys. You should skip all the dieting and workout plans. Try this: punch people in the face early and egregiously. If done correctly people will become intimidated and eventually fear you. Your influence will grow until many people are scared of you, perhaps willing to do your bidding. At that time your weight will no longer be an issue, and if someone wishes to make it such you can have them tickled until he or she urinates in his or her trousers and then you can mock them until they kill themselves out of shame or they are forced to call home and ask their parents to retrieve a fresh pair of pants. Of course if you don't punch correctly you will often find yourself running from stronger and tougher people. In this case the running will no doubt make you lose some of the weight. If you simply cannot run, it may be that hiding is your best bet. If this occurs don't fret, the CIA and other government agencies are always on the lookout for stealthy individuals to perform acts of secret daring-do around the globe and sometimes right down the street. Fat people can be super spies too. They just don't get as much hot intercourse and martini action as James Bond.
if you are just an angry person may we suggest you find a more creative means of expressing your rage? Wanting to blow up the world is a rather vague hostility. Specificity can help to eliminate ambiguity and allow for better circulation as well as increased relaxation. Example: "I want to blow up Mars." WRONG. "I want to eliminate the birdhouse in my backyard because the chirping gives me headaches and then the voices get so loud I can't listen to my Yanni records." Correct. Another alternative is to harm plants rather than people or animals. They are easier to replenish when compared to people or small pets and best of all no one asks suspicious questions which can lead to visits from law enforcement officers. Pulling the leaves off of a plant after a hard day is acceptable, pulling the arms off of a child is not. Plants don't need to carry lunch pails to school or write sentences 100 times when they misbehave. Another incentive is the baffled looks that police profilers will be left with when they find your dismembered plant collection after you snap. Whole chapters in books will be dedicated to your new and eccentric behavior. You can be famous without ever having to deal with the Earth suddenly bursting into flames and jumping into the sun to put itself out.
So consider your options, and remember, it's only February so it can get a lot worse. But until it does, try some of these suggestions.

The Bear: Fact or Fiction?

"The bear went over the mountain." No one questions this. Bears are notorious for going over mountains as well as through streams. Seldom do we see bears caught in the glitz and glamour of Hollywood or basking in the repeating flashbulbs of the paparazzi.
Next we are told that the reason the bear went over this mountain is "to see what he could see." Again, no problems here. Any number of animals and people alike have found themselves traveling aimlessly both through the world as well as the world-wide-web for no good reason; simply to see what there is to be seen. Bears do not have the Internet because they cannot afford it because they cannot get jobs. I know you're thinking, but what about bears in zoos? Those bears work for room and board. Nothing more. At the all zoo Christmas party they drink for free. That is the life of a zoo bear. And Smokey is a fictional character created by conservationists to scare children away from forest fires toward the temptation of arson in the city. So bears don't have the Internet and therefore must travel the world, typically over mountains, for no better reason than to see what there is to see.
The real trouble starts when we are informed of the Bear's findings; "The other side of the mountain was all that he could see." I smell conspiracy.
First of all, not a single bear or person has ever confirmed the other side of the mountain. Perhaps it was the other side of the mountain being viewed, but that leads me to question, just what was on this other side?
Could it have been a mysterious series of glyphs left by an alien race? Instructions for any who could decipher the script. A recipe for disaster or greatness? We may never know because the government doesn't want us to know. Suppose this mountain in question happens to be in the state of New Mexico...near a place by the name of Roswell. Maybe you've heard of it? The bear could have seen the crash site of what some believe to be an extraterrestrial craft. Witness3es to that sort of event end up disappearing or being discredited. So I ask you, when did you last see the bear who went over the mountain? Hmmm.
Geography is the variable of greatest importance in this puzzle. If the mountain from the song is farther south then other "fables" are possible. For instance, the Fountain of Youth, the lost City of Gold, the body of Jimmy Hoffa. As exciting as any of these discoveries would be do you really think the people in power would allow a bear to accept credit for such a discovery. Not after the hours and years that people have poured into unearthing such secrets.
Secrets such as the Sasquatch or Yeti cannot be ruled out either if for no other reason than the unconfirmed existence of such species. Yetis, also known as abominable snowmen, are rumored to live in the mountains of Southern Asia. Those snowmen may be abominable but if discovered think of the trouble: constant traffic from tourism and media, the talk show circuit, rumors and rampages, celebrity dating fiascos, and dare I say grill endorsements?
On the other hand, the Sasquatch is perhaps the Paris Hilton of the fabled beast circuit. Always popping up for inappropriate photographs. If this is an accurate depiction of the animals true nature then it would also be possible that the other side of the mountain held romance for the bear. Upon discovering a lonely Sasquatch the bear fell in love and ran off with the ape-ish creature. To cover up her husband's disappearance the wife of the mountain crossing bear told friends and family that he saw the other side of the mountain. Three days later an unidentified bear body was found in a nearby stream. The case was ruled a suicide by most, but is it really a cover-up?
Perhaps that is the real story; a disappointed wife. No one has ever failed so hard as the bear who went over the mountain. He found nothing. Learned nothing. He is a fool. Others, the Big Bad Wolf, for example, despite being caught, managed to destroy two houses and send two pigs into years of therapy while single handedly creating no less than three hundred jobs for contractors annually. Jack jumped over a candlestick not to mention all of the beanstalk business. His farming techniques have proven top be nothing short of miraculous. A simple demonstration of physics or not, the elephant Dumbo could fly. Lest we forget the Lazarus-shaming amount and quality of resurrections at the hands of Daffy Duck. Not even Curtis "Fifty Cent" Jackson could receive so many gunshots to the face and live to rhyme about it. In comparison, the other side of the mountain is about as impressive as...as... come to think of it, not a single thing in the world is as unimpressive as discovering the other side of the mountain. This of course only makes the case against the Bear's wife stronger.
Who knows what really happened after the bear went over the mountain. The HeAP believes that someone knows something, and until these unbearable facts are brought into the light, this enigma will remain wrapped inside the conundrum of a mystery.

Initiation

This is the Compost HeAP. And you are about to delightfully inflict damage upon your brain so severe as to warrant any number of the following symptoms: bad breath, hunger pains, laughter, nausea, owning multiple copies of Frampton Comes Alive...the list would continue but due to the economy inspired budget cuts at our offices...you get the idea.
Yes. The HeAP is back and in all new blog format. No more notebook paper passed around. No more poorly written prattlings printed from a processor of words in the attic. No more salmon colored paper. No more contests and give-aways. You will get stuff in your face. Consider it word pie and not like those foamy cream pies you see so often splattered into unsuspecting participants of shenanigans. Nope. This is a dirty cream pie, you're probably going to find a hair in it and it may be your own, it may not belong to a person. Chances are it will be a metaphor since that is what i am currently force-feeding you, but if I may, it is done not only out of love but also due to the inconvenient truth that there is no spoon.
Neo-bolshivism?
Check.
Solipsism?
Check.
The kitchen sink?

White out

Do members of the Ku Klux Klan have white rain coats? I mean if it rains at a rally we are talking about the most spectacular wet t-shirt contest the world has seen since the humble beginings of the t-shirt as an article of clothing. I know they're wearing sheets and not shirts but if you would just laugh instead of getting caught up in symantics and please allow me to continue to expand your mind rather than interupt my flow....done? Thanks.
As i was saying, the Klan rain coat would have to be white. White plastic no doubt would bear many a similarity to those wonderful fetish garmets seen so prevelantly on the internet and local sex shops which you probably frequent after visiting the library. I know I do, except i can't seem to find the library.
The problem that theese white rain coats would undoubatly create is that fetishes are often seen as a form of taboo. Despite being folks who cover their identities by playing dress up and only doing things in groups, both of which are fetishes available for mass consumption on the Internet, they don't seem to be all that interested in variance or deviation from the norm. Given the white rain coats and a fierce treatment from the liberal media and the poor group would have a head spinning party that would make even linda Blair dizzy.
See, the white rain coats, being all latex and synthetic and given the right member of the Klan, sexy, would make them look like perverts. Or at least sex crazed hate mongers and let me tell you this country only tolerates one side of that equation and when it isn't balanced OH BOY. Look out! Things fly and i don't mean cows pigs or farm animals. I mean insults and insinuations and class action lawsuits.
For the love of God think of how pissed all of the groups targeted by the Klan are going to be when they find out they have been persecuted by a group of fetished up frednecks.
With any luck they will become (the Klan) a group so disturbed with self-loathing due to the discovery of how sexually deviant their ways actually are, or at least symbolize that they will splinter into cells fighting one another. It would spiral out of control into a mini-Civil War. No less than three states, including, Indiana, Kentucky, and Mississippi would be frought with desolation as white garmets fly unchecked by all but the laws of physics until only a single victor emerges the new king of neo-classic racism.
Sigh.
The media is going to have its work cut out for them creating catchy graphics and music to report the escelation and inevitable climax of the situation. There will be blood. Lives will be lost. subscriptions to World of Warcraft cancelled. But the world would become a better place.
and that's why the Klan never has rallies in the rain.

700 billion sided dice

did you ever watch the muppet Babies? That whole opening song about closing your eyes, make believe and you can be anywhere...
Why did we ever stop doing that? Sure it might seem odd to the $400 prositute that you want her to read you stories under your equally expensive dining room table covered with 700 count sheets while you where butt-flapped jammies and suck down push pops like they could cure stupid.
It could be difficult to impress your neighbors with a box fort instead of lanscaping only possible after years of planning.
On the bright side, if you sit on the bus and talk to yourself, especially if you're playing more than one character, you may be in god company.
What I'm getting at is that we as a population have lost not so much our way but our immaginations. The President wants to use money to help people who are already rich. That's not very immaginative. I'm not suggesting we give these people popcicles by the ton or free rides on the helicopter outside the local grocery. Their suits would get bunched up in the seat and you know how easily popcicles drip. We can't rationally give them items with which to cause damage to themselves which in turn will only have them asking for more money.
Not that i know the slightest thing about finances, but here's my pitch:
We take the people needing bailed out and offer them a trading places program. The program consists of 8-12 weeks of finding out how to live properly through a develution of status. We remove the steaks and raise the stakes. Know what i mean?
I'm not suggesting we simply make a people version of flip this house or some other waste of time like that. No. This is not, under any circumstances to be televised. Post program testimonials are a possibility. But no way are we going to give people any spotlight.
They get to start out managing money, but less of it. And less. And less. Until they have none.
That's it. Really simple. No grand scheme. If they change or learn something, neat. If not, then we can post the videos from the hidden webcams on You-Tube. I know it sounds like invasion of privacy or something but that's why we have the folks sign a waiver before entering the program.
In all seriousness, i think the best way to solve this crisis is to have all of these soon to be broke, and Great Depression part 2 inducing people do is play several games of dungeons and Dragons. It involves time management, money management and just plain management. Here is an example, you need to save the princess by five pm so you can get the gold reward from the king by six to pay off Plok, the Orc barbarian whom you owe for some bad bets you made on halfling races or he will kill you in which case your people may need that money to hire a cleric with the ability to cast True Ressurection. We could even bring in the devolution thing. They could start out with the very accessable 4th edition and go backwards to the stone age when T.H.A.C.O. was king and Elf was a class instead of a race.
roleplaying is the key here though. These people need to practice being someone else. First in a fantasy setting and then in the real world. That way they realize when they fubar it fubars the rest of us.
So stop it. And roll for initiative