Brick a brack

We should have more single elimination tournaments such as
the two held for men's and women's college basketball every March. If you
aren't like me, you’re probably watching the final men's game as I write this
covered in goo from serving wings and other fried food stuffs to unappreciative
assbouncing yuppie slugs and their spawn. But the good thing is that we both
know as soon as the game is over you won't have a single thing to occupy all of
your free time nor will you have any brackets to fill out and will thus
be left with an incredible void that no one will both to try and fill. Sure you
have NBA, NHL and maybe some other playoffs coming up, but those are relatively
small brackets in comparison to the 65 team filled Twinkie known as the
final four. Because I don't want you to suffer, I have decided to comprise a
small list of events that ought to be restructured to fill your bracket void.

1- Elections. This one explains itself. A single elimination
tournament for all candidates. Whichever party is seeking the white house will
put up at least a dozen candidates in an effort to confuse voters into choosing
the sexier option thereby eliminating any chance for Americans to vote for a
person to lead who actually has a brain. But I like a sexy president as much as
the next person, so that isn't the issue. The problem is all of those damn
primaries and speeches. Instead of having state-to-state battles we should
switch to regional action with multiple competitions. Speeches? Sure, we need
some of those, but what about an obstacle course and a fashion show? Maybe the
obstacle course would be for laughs (imagine Bob Dole if you don't see where
I'm going), but the fashion show is important. Who wants to vote for a guy
caught wearing purple socks with brown pants? How could we be so blind as to
trust a woman who refuses to trade in her power pants suite for a dashing dress
or slightly skimpy yet stylish skirt topped off with a cleverly cleaveged
blouse?

Let's challenge each candidate to a naming event. Think of it as the
analogies on the old SAT. You are at war with country X, what do you call the
operation? Your military has created a new weapon, what word do you suggest to
define the missile as a symbol of your nation's benevolence despite its
increasing stockpile of arms (both bodily and body breaking.)

Each regional tournament can be held over the course of a week, one
event each day so media can cover each in full. As the field narrows we
increase the difficulty of the tasks and have the finalists meet for one last
challenge. As if that isn't cool enough, you get to fill out brackets for each
participating party, which in our choice-ridden country will be two. Consider
the office pools for president. I know what you're saying, that only happens
once every four years. No kidding, but you can do this with any election,
national, state or even local. That means you get action every year,
which is more than we can say for Bill O'Riely.

2- Events to turn into bracket worthy events. Is this a cop-out suggestion? You
can decide. Form a bracket of my possible response and select what you think
will win, what I am really thinking. Call your friends, get them involved and
go for broke. Send me your brackets and I can send you the results of
each round until a final winner is declared.

No need to continue to try and talk about American idol around the water
cooler at the office anymore. You could make a bracket of all the television
shows for each night. That means that each day could be dominated by a different
topic of conversation. Sure lots of people might have Heroes as a number 1 seed
in the bracket but it could always loose to PBS, a major upset to say the least
and you would be stuck listening to Martha from sales drone on about how
fascinating the life of a crossbred Yankee koala crocodile is once it is pulled
from its mother while nursing in the wild and transported to a sweat shop in
south Florida. Sigh, such is the magic of the bracket. Anything is
possible.

3- Dinner. Planning a menu for your family can be tough. Josh
doesn't like pork chops but Jennifer adores them, but not with potatoes, dad on
the other hand adores potatoes but will only eat them with cheese, but since
Martin is lactose intolerant and Josh sits next to Martin it is going to be a
tough night. Instead of going through all of that make a bracket of food
options. List all of the dishes, each family member can even list their
favorites and rank them just like seeds in the actual tournament and then the
cook eliminates them one by one until a final dish is declared the dinner.

This works just as well at restaurants and fast food joints. You
seed the sides, soups and main courses and plug away. Don't stop until it’s
time to choose a dessert. Would you like fries with that? Bam! Bracketology on
that. You might want fries but do you want them regular, extra crispy,
fresh, cold, soft, soggy, spiced, seasoned, on the side? A bracket takes all of
those options and puts them in an easy to use handy-dandy-space-saving-space-age
–super-duper-list-limiting-slicing-dicing group of lines in a winner take all
contest to determine what works best in your food hole.

4 Endless
possibilities. Are you shivering? Because this is just the tip of the iceberg. If
you have options, make a bracket and eliminate the unworthy. Lots of nephews
and nieces to buy presents for? Make a bracket and give the best to the
winner(s). Want to get drunk but not sure what you want? Have a rum regional,
Whisky region, Vodka region and Tequila. Just like in men’s basketball,
remember that seldom does a team west of the Mississippi river win the tourney,
so Tequila is there more for fun than any chance at winning. Besides, you need
to keep your shirt on, it’s freezing outside.
And that birthmark, we’ve talked about that. People aren’t ready to see
a giant splurge of off-red skin in the shape of the Eifel tower being crammed
uncomfortably into an unwilling anus.

Watch your reality
shows but make brackets beforehand and choose the winners. Place money on it.
This kind of home gambling can stimulate the economy. The winner will no doubt
take his or her winnings to the mall for a shopping spree or maybe a spa day
while the loser will probably buy some nails and a tazer to flatten your tires
and zap your dog in the rain. Now you will feel pain calling out to your dog,
calling him a bad dog, “No, Sparky….sigh…bad…dog…Sparky…I’m so sorry dog, its
wasn’t my fault.” Then you take your dog to the vet. Look at all the money
going into the economy over one little pool all because of one simple bracket contest.

Seriously, you owe
it to yourself and to your country. Are
you still there? Go make some brackets already. Make a bracket filled scrap
book, prioritize your memorize. Seed the past. Seed your seeds while planting a
garden. Go crazy, or decide what to do while going crazy, or just decide where
to go. Just don’t leave home without a bracket.