Vallient-tine's Day

Think about how important Valentine's Day is for Americans. The massive amounts of blind spending on cheesy gifts such as inedible chocolate, poorly arranged flowers and lest we forget all of those dreadful singing teddy bears. But love is an industry and industry brings jobs. If you don't celebrate Valentine's day you aren't buying anything for a sweetheart. That means you aren't creating jobs. You miserable jerk. Why can't you do your part for the economy and buy a teddy bear, maybe even a stuffed animal if you're allergic to bears. No one is asking you to buy a ten pound bag of those chalky candy hearts. Everyone knows those things were made years ago and have yet to sell. ever wonder why after all these years they still say things like, "You're cute," or "Be mine," rather than a more modern turn of phrase such as, "Wanna freak," or "It's your baby," maybe "In the butt," perhaps the best of all, "3-way." Considering you have not and will not see those you can rest assured if you chomp on a candy heart you chomp on on the chalky deposits of the 80's.
Going back to you being a miserable jerk I think you're forgetting the precise goings on of February. Girls and guys alike clamour to find suitable plans for the day of love and romance. People make a big freaking deal out of it Jonny. So all you gotta do is stand around listening for some girls that ain't got dates an you swoops in and play it smooth, see? You don't even gotta be handsome Jon, I'm tellin' ya, broads love to not be lonely in February. Somethin about the coming of the Spring or something. They get batty when they see their shadows, know what i mean?
Women truly are the fairer sex. Sure i just equated a needy batch of whining to the weather forecasting skills of a large rodent but consider this: without that whining you would never stop to think about how crowded the dog house will be if you forget to at least pick up a rose or one of those hokey children's valentine cards. Women care about the country and the economy. When the economy is strong so is the dollar and that mean more shopping, and we all know that most women feel more at home at a mall or shopping center than at home. When they go to malls they buy things and they look hot so guys buy things to try to make themselves look hot to attract the elusive female prey. This cycle keeps the country running, it maintains our status of "Capitalist under developed country punching juggernaut from the West." If you want to give up that name plate at the U.N. meetings then go on right ahead. Complain until your face turns blue and children pants you in the middle of whatever Wal-Mart parking lot you happen to be protesting in that day.
Maybe it will cheer you up to consider just how accurate you are in shouting how silly the whole affair really is, but we have to be subtle. Look, it keeps the economy going. We aren't going to do anything to disrupt that. We need all the help we can get, but we are allowed to highlight certain areas of interest.
The heart symbol, for example. It looks nothing like a human heart. A side by side comparison yields little to no evidence that the drawing is even based on the actual body part. Inside a human heart you will find chambers. Plus blood. Like gridlocked rush hour traffic kind of blood. Although widely considered an internal organ the heart actually beats and as such is much more closely related to the sounds of a drum or other percussion instrument. The symbolic heart sounds nothing like a symbol as it has never produced a single sound. It is a compulsive wallflower. Its contents range from well wishes to chocolates and in extreme circumstances body parts. However neither blood nor beatings are ever found in these hearts. No chambers valves or ventricles either. The only argument necessary for one to realize how silly the whole thing is comes from the film, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. In the film, a wild priest, who in the right light bears strong resemblance to Hollywood hate-monger and maniac extraordinaire Mel Gibson, removes the beating heart of a strange looking man without the benefit of modern technology or training traditionally required for that type of invasive procedure. (Don't get me wrong, the guy is good, but he probably didn't go to night school and medical correspondence courses simply weren't available when the film was made.) In real life a strange man would not pluck the beating heart from your comrade or significant other. Instead, he would probably kick you in the shin, face, funny bone, belt buckle or other uncomfortable pressure point, steal your hopeless and or romantic gift just before you reached the checkout lane and then retreat to his evil lair laughing all the way much the way a demonic Darth Vader obsessed gingerbread man might.
Candy hearts are stupid.